Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Fake it till you make it - starting over

I couldn't wait to get back on the bike to say I did... a huge milestone after a serious accident. I got back on even before my left eye was fully healed. As my heart rate went up, my eyesight went down. Not exactly what you want while riding in traffic, especially in Dallas.

I have lost some time, with summer approaching and hot temps starting earlier... the window is very narrow. Throw in work and home chores and it's limited... not optimal for getting back into fitness. I had to admit the truth... Not this year. There was a lot I had planned for this year, like the MS 150 and HHH, and would have done them... but now... Not this year.

Further, I had to realize something else... I'm just not into it yet. I dress out, I get on the bike, I ride... I have yet to experience the joy I use to while riding. The pure joy I felt on the road while hammering away is gone... for now. You can see it in my face...

I said to a friend "Fake it till you make it"... I've used this phrase before and it's provided success. I've used this with new jobs when I thought "did I over shoot this one? will I be able to do it"... guess what: Fake it till you make it baby. It means you do it like you know how... even if you're faking it... and one day you'll wake up and you won't be faking it anymore.

I'm not there yet... I still think so much about the accident, I still get so angry... I can see ok again now and I am somewhat normal again... whatever normal is. BUT, my fitness level dropped right off the cliff. Months off the bike and unable to do anything physical! Not even walk. My heart rate just struggles so much on rides and I feel terrible riding with someone else for fear I'm slowing them down or taking the joy out of their ride.

Last weekend we had a new pavement path open within 3 miles of my home... something I'd been dreaming of - flat training space. I went to check it out and I rode 24 miles total with mapping included... for a fleeting moment I thought I felt it, the joy of riding. But it was fleeting and made me long for it more.

At least now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm hoping this fresh pavement will help me improve miles. I'm going to use some leave, hit the trails early... before people figure out they are there and make them unridable.

It's not over yet... I haven't made it... I'm starting from scratch after more than 2 years in the saddle and being a member of the century club. I can't even pull down 30 miles right now... I'm not there. I had 2 choices: Quit or Fake it till I make it

I choose the later. A view from those new trails below... why would anyone quit?

Someone said recently that an accident on the road or in a race is a "Game Changer"... he couldn't be more right. I had no idea how injured I was. I had no idea how long I'd be down. I had no idea how much it would affect the way I ride. All I want to do is go back to that day and decide not to ride... I want my joy back. Guess I'll keep faking it: when I wake up and I'm not faking it anymore... I'll let you know.